Matt's Serendipity

This is an idea for a film I just came up with in the shower. 

Britain Thrives off Misery portrays a future dystopian game-show in which two disenfranchised TV presenters attempt to solve the energy crisis by harnessing the power of misery. Taking cues from The Running Man and Monsters, Inc, a gloomy tale of nation-wide suffering is woven as film and studio audiences are invited to question the blinkered morality system championed by our dream-crushing crusaders.

Anti-hero Philip Schofield stars as himself alongside villainous oaf Justin Lee Collins. Collins plays the role of a mentally unstable ex-TV-presenter who has finally come to terms with the fact that the country does not like him. To seek revenge on the population that rejected him, he signs up to show, hoping he can ruin lives and simultaneously quench his undying thirst for attention. The show itself requires celebrities to teleport into the bedrooms of British citizens via on-stage portals. From there, they activate the misery-receiver, a device aesthetically similar to the Ghost Trap from Ghostbusters (only with added decals of unhappy faces), which is then used to capture misery particles that emanate from selected victims. This misery is drawn from the subject by means of pessimistic existential remarks that celebrities howl down a megaphone. If mainline procedure proves ineffective, the BNBN theme tune is piped through a vuvuzela surround-sound system to achieve the same result.

Collins quickly establishes himself as an aficionado in the field and eventually goes on to earn the rank of Chief Miserablist. His loud-mouth party-pooper comments consistently hit the mark and they generate thousands of kilowatts of electrical energy in the process. His critics opine the technique is particularly damaging from a psychological standpoint; subjects are simply unable to react rationally to verbal violation when it is directed at them from a primeval being. The lack of any real qualifications does not deter Collins, and neither does the rage that booms at him from the public sphere. Tumblr and Twitter accounts begin to overflow with angry campaigns, and Tumblr users specifically turn evermore anti-establishment which, pre-watershed, was not thought possible. Bloggers deliberate over the pros and cons of the game-show’s philosophy: are Collins’ tirades justified by the energy production? Will his rampage ever end? They know ITV is liable to recommission the show as long as ratings remain high. Many bloggers call for Collins to be quarantined.

The public then develop an informal pact, a rally against Collins’ chilling mind-games. They swear to physically abuse him when he invades their homes. Some people take to playing the BNBN theme tune to themselves quietly throughout the day so that they can tune it out upon his arrival. Hundreds of families evacuate the country to avoid seeing the man’s face ever again. After the initial turbulent years, it seems as if Collins’ rampage is beginning to falter. The beatings he suffers to the hands and nunchuks of prepared home-owners test his resilience to the limit.

Enter Schofield. The reinvigorated Philip Schofield. Prior to his signing of the Britain Thrives off Misery contract, he too felt like a show-biz outcast. His defining failure came when the public discovered that his hair was in fact a hoax. The routine years he’d spent watching glamour models and soap actors jiving shittily to pop-music on Dancing On Ice took their toll on his concentration; he forgot to apply his silver hair dye before 2012’s final and was thus booed off stage for desecrating the nation’s most beloved Saturday night entertainment show.

Inspired by Collins’ revival, he decides to re-launch his career.

Britain warms to Schofield despite his early fall from grace. They shine to his new semi-plausible hair colour. They now sympathise with his troubles, they indentify with his quivering, broken delivery, and what’s more, his technique poses a threat to Collins. A period of ferocious one-upmanship ensues as the two men look to net the highest misery levels on the show. They turn their attention to increasingly immoral methods of obtaining impressive figures, researching into the locations of hospices and handicapped children before teleporting so that their attacks reach critical peaks, wringing out every last painful teardrop from the target’s bloodshot eyes. The show introduces suicide quotas the pair must meet if they wish to avoid execution, sending the world into uproar.

The show rapidly spirals out of control. The public can no longer bear to witness the crimes against humanity, and people start to suspect government involvement when Cameron refuses to intervene. His blasé plea for the UN to ‘settle down’ is widely viewed as subterfuge in the public eye. Theorists claim Cameron is secretly seeking to secure the energy supply for Britain in order to pave the way for his global rule. The Sun on Sunday then intercepts a phone call that is intended for Collins. The paper reports how government informants are fuelling the rants of Collins and Schofield. It appears the government is providing vitriolic scripts for the two presenters so that they can maintain the unprecedented levels of energy.

Upon this leak, Britain descends into civil war. Political realism experiences a rebirth as countries fight over each other for their stake in the energy supply. Crucially, the UN then warns it will nuke London if ITV refuses to cancel future series. And that’s when Philip Schofield changes the course of history.

On the 20^th of June, 2030, Britain Thrives off Misery airs its last episode. After yet another soul-destroying performance from Collins, Schofield steps into the portal. We see him crackle into view as he looms over a pit. We see that there are graves nearby, and we realise that he is standing in a cemetery. And we realise also that he is holding a gun.

He turns to the camera and speaks to the audience:

‘I know this is not a bedroom. I know this is not what you expected to see. But I am sick of this madness. Look at the world we are living in! Look at what I’ve created! I’ve lost my mind! This was not who I wanted to be, this is not the outcome I wanted for. When I started on the show, I thought it was right to sacrifice a dweeb’s happiness for Cameron’s big society, I thought it was the price we had to pay to sustain mankind. But look what it’s brought us! Chaos! We’re all greedy monsters! Every last one of us! I made a starving hobo vomit his lungs out, all for personal prestige! He vomited his lungs!!!’

Schofield activates the misery-receiver and lifts the gun to his head.

‘I do not want us to war. I do not want to leave behind an impoverished Britain. I want everyone to have equal opportunities. The brutal mockery ends here!’

Schofield pulls the trigger. Bang. He crumples into his grave.Then, a blinding light blazes from his body and whizzes into the receiver.

The event is so tragic that his death single-handedly energises the entire planet for eternity.

Philip Schofield dies a martyr.

///

Nolan, you have my permission to use these ideas, just be sure to credit Matthew-Serendipity aight?

‘Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!’ I scream.