Rewriting Harry Potter (screenplay)
Harry: Oi, Lucius! I have something of yours. [hands over diary]
Lucius: Mine? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Harry: Oh I think you do sir. I think you slipped the diary into Ginny Weasley’s cauldron, that day at Diagon Alley.
Lucius: Ha! For a moment there Haz I thought you were on about the fat wad of ganja I slipped to her round the back of Hagrid’s shed! [laughter] As for the diary man, nah, wasn’t me [gives diary to Dobby]. Oh, are you actually for real Harold? Why don’t you prove it?!
…S’what I thought mate. Come, Dobby. [walks away]
Harry: [whispering to Dobby] Open it.
Dobby: [opens diary] Master has given Dobby a sock. Dobby is free!
[Harry reveals his bare foot]
Lucius: Woooaaahhhh! Hold it there son, I smell a design! You can wipe that smug grin off your face straight away Haz, we both know that’s not how property law works. Cast your mind back a couple of centuries. Remember all the blacks and the slave trade and that?
Harry: No, what is that?
Lucius: Christ, you are a thick cunt aren’t you Hazza? You haven’t heard about the Middle Passage and the Diaspora and that?
Lucius: Fucking hell. Anyway, back then when there were all the slaves, if a slave hid a sock in a cotton collection bag just before their master handed it over to them for use on the plantation, and then the slave held that sock aloft and shouted ‘slave is free!’, do you think the slave master would’ve gone, “ooh no, de slave has a sock now so dey are free, wut am I gon’ doooo!?”
The answer is emphatically no. He would obviously not have said that. The unwitting ‘gifting’ of a sock means fuck all, Harry James. That slave probably would’ve received a few lashings on his botty for coming up with such an eccentric freedom bid, and then he would’ve been shoved back on the plantation to pick more cotton. [sighs] Bloody hell Harriet, you’re more of a stupid fucking cunt than I gave you credit for. And a complete pussy to boot. I mean, ‘Harry James Potter’, seriously? That’s a pussy’s name. Only a pussy would have that name.
Come back over here Dobs.
Dobby: Yes master.
Lucius: In all fairness, we do need to get you out of that cum rag you’re wearing, it fucking reeks mate. Don’t pretend you haven’t used it for that purpose either, I’ve caught you hammering away at that little pixy dick and I know for a fact that we don’t have any Kleenex back home. I guess you can use Holly’s sock instead now.
Dobby: Dobby likes to hammer away at his little pixy dick in private.
Lucius: Yes, well, don’t rabbit on about it. [eyes Harry and notices he is holding something] I say, Hilary, what have you got there?
Harry: Just an old picture of my parents, waving. I don’t know why they don’t get sick of just sitting there, waving all of the time, smiling constantly. If I was trapped in a frame I’d be gurning 24/7.
Lucius: But it must be very precious to you, Helga. One of the very few visual reminders that you have of them, am I right? Would you mind if I had a look?
Harry: Of course not [hands over picture]
Lucius: HA! That means the picture belongs to me now, according to your logic! Time for me to crack one off over Lily, that sweet, sweet milf of yours!
Harry: Oh no, please don’t, noble Lucius!
[Lucius runs away, Harry gives chase. Dobby masturbates into sock]
Akon on Feminism
Interviewer: So Akon, let’s get down to it right away - what’s your new song called and what inspired you to write it?
Akon: You know, this is a very special song for me. I was sat down one day and I realised! I wanted to write something for all the women out there! You see the way they portrayed in the media, on the TV and in them videos… whenever you watchin’ a song on YouTube, and I’m guilty of makin’ this shit too! You see them and their boobs are flyin’ everywhere, they spinnin’ on the poles and the men be showerin’ them with money slappin’ ‘em and laughin’ at ‘em. It ain’t nice. It ain’t. You can’t be doin’ that every day. You gotta give them girls a break. So there I was with this idea when David [Guetta] calls me up askin’ if I wanted to do a collab with him. I was like ‘man! I was just about to call you!’, he says ‘no way’ and I’m like ‘yeah, yeah, listen! We gotta write a song that is kind and respectful to women.’ He said nothin’ for a bit and for a moment I thought I heard him chokin’, and then he asked me ‘how would that work?’ I said I hadn’t figured that out yet and so he came over later in the week and we set about comin’ up with the lyrics for this song.
Interviewer: So where did you begin?
Akon: Well we figured it needed to be about a woman in a club who all the rest of the women in the club would wanna be. So the first verse goes:
Yes, I can see her
‘Cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh, she’s a diva
I feel the same, and I wanna meet her
I remember at the time David wasn’t sure about it ‘cause if you follow it closely it makes it sound like I want to be a woman, and he started chokin’ for a bit, but the next two verses was much more troublesome for us, man. Normally after an intro we’d just hate on women a while, rap about how they’re shit, y’know, but the sole purpose of this song was to be nice to ‘em, especially this one woman who was better than the rest. So in order to sound pleasant we realised we would either have to replace the women hatin’ with stuff that didn’t make any sense, or we would have to compare them favourably against poorer, uglier women who live in danger on the streets every day ‘cause they rely on sex money to survive. We came up with somethin’ that does both – it’s pretty tight:
They say she low down
It’s just a rumor, and I don’t believe ‘em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore
I’m tryna find the words to describe this girl
Without being disrespectful
So we pump out another verse after that and we’re wrappin’ up the song when we hit a wall. How do we describe this woman without bein’ “disrespectful”? We was sat there for hours thinkin’ of the perfect combination, rollin’ off each other, David comin’ up with lots of tight ideas and then it suddenly clicked for him! It just clicked! He said, ‘well, what about “Sexy Bitch”?’ … I was like ‘Yeah man! That’s it! That’s the one!’ So I hollered it out:
Damn, you’se a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’se a sexy bitch, damn, girl
Damn, you’se a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you’se a sexy bitch, damn, girl
And we was there! There was our hit song for the women right there! The other ideas we had like “dirty slut” and “sketty hoe” were decent, man, but they didn’t really fit ‘cause we already said the woman in the song wasn’t like any average whore out there. Anyway, I’m so happy with this product man! With this song we managed to show women that we think about ‘em, and that we try not to disrespect ‘em sometimes. I mean, what woman don’t wanna be called a ‘sexy bitch’, y’feel me?
Interviewer: Akon, thank you so much for giving up your time to talk with us today.
Akon: Anytime, man.
Interviewer [to camera]: Akon’s latest single ‘Sexy Bitch’ releases worldwide in September alongside his hotly anticipated album ‘Fuck Her In the Cunt With a Rake’.
More Words (May-December)
Effrontery - Shameless boldness: insolence
Deus ex machina - a person or thing (as in fiction or drama) that suddenly and unexpectedly provides a contrived solution to a difficult conflict
Sagacious - of keen mind: shrewd
Phreaker - one who gains illegal access to the telephone system
Friable - easily crumbled or pulverized
Sententious - using wise sayings or proverbs; also: containing or using phrases that sound more important than they are
Flexuous - 1) having curves, turns, or windings 2) lithe or fluid in action or movement
Mawkish - 1) having an insipid often unpleasant taste 2) sickly or puerilely sentimental
Phantasmagoria - 1) a constantly shifting complex succession of things seen or imagined 2) a bizarre or fantastic assemblage
Snaffle - to obtain especially by devious or irregular means
Woolgathering - indulgence in idle daydreaming
Epicure - one with sensitive and discriminating tastes especially in food or wine
Chivy - 1) to tease or annoy with persistent petty attacks 2) to move or obtain by small manoeuvres
Foppery - 1) foolish character or action: folly 2) the behaviour or dress of a fop
Vermicular - 1) resembling a worm in form or motion 2) of, relating to, or caused by worms
Undulate - 1) to form or move in waves: fluctuate 2) to rise and fall in volume, pitch, or cadence 3) to present in a wavy appearance
Chimera - 1) an imaginary monster compounded of incongruous parts 2) an illusion or fabrication of the mind; especially: an unrealisable dream
Winkle - 1) to displace, remove, or evict from a position 2) to obtain or draw out by effort